The Real Legend of Zelda
by HyrulesOneHope
Summary: This is my version of the Legend of Zelda: OoT. Ok, well it's actually a parody, not the REAL thing, but if I created Zelda, this is what it'd be like... maybe...


**The Real Legend of Zelda**

_Made by Austin Hale_

Once again, I have made a pointless humor. I couldn't even think of a name, so I just put this one. This is MY version of the Legend of Zelda. I personally think it's better (hehe). We actually begin with Link and Saria in Link's club house. Enjoy!

Skullkid: C'mon guys! Let me in, please?

Link: How many times do we have to tell you SkullKid?! We cannot let you in the club! You won't fit in.

Skullkid: Yes I will! LET ME IN!

Saria: No! I'm telling you now, we can't!

Skullkid: Well, I'll show you! (muttering) "I'm not good enough for this stupid club", am I?. Yeah right! (tries going through the window of the club house)

Link: No, stop! You don't understand!

Skullkid: (Falls in. He looks around and finds himself squeezed with the other guys inside the club) Hey! There's no room here!

Link: I told you you wouldn't fit in.

Ganon: HAHAHAHA! Guess who?--- TOO LATE! It's me… MICHAEL JACKSON!

Link, Saria and Skullkid: ……

Ganon: I'm just yankin' yer skirts. To make a long story short, I kidnapped Zelda and you have to rescue her!

Link: (looking up, whining:) Why me?

Saria: You also broke this frickin' clubhouse I gave to Link for his birthday you green… orange-haired… pig!

Link: It's OK Saria, I never liked it anyways. Besides, I had no room for my cow, so I had to put it outside, thanks to you. (sniffle) Poor Milky…(daydreaming) If I could wish for anything, I'd wish for happiness for Milky… or probably a new clubhouse.

Ganon: (impatiently) Uh… yo! Mr. Hero! I'm giving you 3 days to save her or--- (makes a movement across his hand and his throat with the sound:) kkkkkkkk!

Link: You mean you'll kill her?!

Ganon: No son, this isn't Iraq. Just a… a fine.

Link: Whew! OK, you got a deal.

(2 days later)

Saria: LINK! You've been sitting around all day playing… this dumb video game called Zelda, when you only have one day to save the princess!

Link: Don't worry, my wallet is packed with rupees, see? (pulls out his wallet and opens it. Nothing… except for a moth) Uh…. well… you remember those bills? Hehehe… …

Saria: LINK! I want you to go save her now!… Fine! I won't sleep with my dolly anymore. That'll teach you. (sticks her tongue out)

Link: Saria, you're 900 yrs. old. GROW UP!

(Later on)

Link: So… Skullkid… would you like to come with me on this adventure?

Skullkid: What's in it for me?

Link: … Nothing.

Skullkid: OK! (GULP) Oh… crud, got a little too excited there…

Link: What happened?

Skullkid: I swallowed my gum.

Link: It's OK, just touch the back of your tongue.

Skullkid: Ok. (Reaches back in throat)… BARF!!!! Oh, there it is! (sticks it back in mouth) Ewww, this tastes like the beans I had the other night… (FART!)

(Later on again)

Link: Zelda, come with me, we have to escape the building!

(OOPS! A little too far there… back a little while before that)

Link: Let's get to Ganon's castle.

Skullkid: Ok.

(2 days later)

Link: Finally! We are here! Oh no…

Skullkid: What is it?

Link: I forgot my sword!

Skullkid: Oh. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Link: What's so funny?

Skullkid: I thought it was something bad.

Link: … Why did I bring you along again? I don't even like you in the first place!

Skullkid: HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Please stop making me laugh! If I laugh too hard I get the hiccup-barfs.

Link: Hiccup-barfs?

Skullkid: Yeah, like when you hiccup and you burp right after, only you barf instead of burp.

Link: Oh. Hey Skullkid, is barfing contagious?

Skullkid: HAAAHAHAHAHA--- (HICCUP-BARF!!!)

Link: (BARF!!!)

Skullkid: (with vomit coming out of his nose) There's… your answer… (HICCUP-BARF!!!!)

Link: (BARF!!!)

(1 day later, after they're rested and not sick)

Link: Finally! We are at his castle!

Skullkid: Link… that's not a castle, it's a tree.

Link: Whoops! Here's his castle! Let's go inside.

Ganon: BOO!! Hahahahaha!

Link and Skullkid: (scared stiff) hehehehehe…

Ganon: Enough! It's been 5 days now in case you skipped through the humor and didn't notice. So enough with this foolishness! Fight me.

Link: But there'd be no point.

Ganon: Really? Why's that?

Link: Think about it, for the last (counts) 15 yrs, I have been kicking your butt and sending you to the Sacred Realm and still somehow, you manage to escape.

Skullkid: Maybe the sages are getting lazier.

Ganon: Silence wooden one!

Skullkid: No you silence you ugly freak!

Ganon: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't call me ugly.

Skullkid: Well, I'd appreciate it if I did, so now we're even! … Ugly!

Ganon: I've had it with you.

Link: Me too. (Link and Ganon throw him out of the window)

Skullkid: NO! AAAAAAHHHH (breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Ganon: Shut up! This castle is only 6 feet high!

Skullkid: …Oh. (gets up and walks away)

Ganon: Now… we shall finish this! We will end this once and for all! This battle will not only confirm who gets to keep the triforce, but who is the best of the bestest. I hope to win to keep this sacred land of Hyrule! I WILL RULE ALL! THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD! THEN I WILL-- (Link throws a bottle at the back of his head and Ganondorf falls to the ground)

Link: Man, I was getting bored. I hate it when the villains do those dumb long speeches.

Ganon: Haha! I'm not knocked out! Just kidding!

Link: Oh…

Ganon: As I was saying, THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! I WILL HAVE THE TRIFORCE! NO ONE WILL STOP ME! NOT EVEN--- (another bottle hits his head)

Link: Sorry, I just had to ask: Where is Zelda?

Ganon: She's down the hall.

Link: Thanks. (Ganon falls to the ground)

Ganon: Oh and by the way, I'm going to have to crash the building down, just to let you know. You know, to… try and destroy you and everything before you escape.

Link: Yeah OK.

(Ganon smashes his fist onto the ground and the castle starts rumbling)

Link: Zelda, come with me, we have to escape the building!

Zelda: OK!

(They go down levels and levels of stairs and exit the building and look at it… it's only 6 feet high.)

Link: Wow… An illusionalistical castle. I want one of those.

Zelda: Well I want a doughnut, but not everyone gets what they want.

Ganon: Oh really?! HAHAHAHA!

Link: Not again.

Ganon: You thought I was a goner. BUT THE ONLY GONER AROUND HERE IS YOU! NOW I'LL DEFEAT YOU! I'LL OBTAIN THE TRIFORCE AND RULE ALL! THE UNIVERSE WILL BE MINE! HAHAHAHAHAAHA--- (bottle hits his head)

Link: (standing with the end of the broken bottle in his hand)… that was my last one.

Zelda: Well… you defeated him.

Skullkid: HEY LINK! Huff… puff… I got your master sword!

Link: Uh… thanks? (stabs Ganon, Ganon grunts and flinches on the ground) Well… I guess it's over.

Zelda: Wait, Link. Look up in the sky!

(In the sky floats the 3 pieces of the triforce)

Zelda: The person who touches the triforce gets to make a wish. If that person makes a good wish, the stronger the triforce' power will be to help you. The eviler the wish, the less it'll help. Well, go on Link. Make a wish! 

Link: (touches the triforce and the light sage floats down from the sky through the bright sun. No it's not Rauru.)

Angel: Well done. You must be the hero I assume. Now you can make any wish you like. (praying) Please let it be a clever and good wish!

Link: Oh man… that's so hard to choose. It has to be a good one… Okay! I got it! I wish for… A NEW CLUBHOUSE!!!! Oh, little milky will be so happy!

Angel: (Staring at Link with mouth wide open) A clubhouse… A CLUBHOUSE?! Not… Zelda? Or world peace? Or a new bottle or that Ganon would be dead forever or ANYTHING?!

Link: Uh…. Nope. Just a clubhouse…

Angel: (smacks his face in embarrassment) You are one foolish… selfish elf.

Link: I'm not "a elf" you stupid angel!

Angel: Hey! Watch it!

Link: And Angels don't have wings you freak! Birds do!

Angel: Oh, that's it…

After their little argument, Link finally returned to Hyrule and put the sword back. The sword now sleeps again… FOREVER!!!

(Link's walking away from the master sword tossing a bottle of glue and grinning/laughing evilly) hehehehehe…

THE END!!!!


End file.
